- An open armchair next to an outlet
- A study carrel that absorbs farts
- A taco bell in my house
- A surface that I can request my friends “use coasters on”
- Four years’ worth of final papers that I never got back
- A portrait of me and my dog, painted by Shepard Fairey
- A mink stole named after me at Anthropologie, preferably dyed a jewel tone
- A 15-year check-in with my kindergarten teacher #stillgifted
- Business cards that say “Division III athlete”
- A candle that smells like the basement of a frat house, for when I need to get into “the mood”
- Reassurance from all of my minority friends that I am not racist
- Also that I am “cool”
- A gold bullion bar that functions as an iPod speaker
- Monogrammed condoms
- A self-updating resume
- Chapstick on a silver chain that clips to the inside of my jacket
- A calendar that demonstrates that my parents have an accurate assumption of the kinds of pictures that I would like to see on my calendar (see tumblr feed for details)
- Friends, family, and perfect strangers to address me as if I am the protagonist of a 90’s sitcom
- A snow globe depicting a NYC gay pride parade that I can magically jump into
- A coffee mug with a built in shit-detector
- My middle market consulting job offer to be posted in The New York Times ‘Wedding and Announcements’ section
- ClipArt to sue various emoji apps to protect their copyright on poorly depicted household objects
A consistent hook-up that understands my unique emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs and doesn’t make demands on my current ability to commitA clone.
A ‘Cac original! Reproducing the list here for our Tumblr crowd:
1. Shoot for the moon, if you miss you’ll land among the non-profits.
2. The future belongs to those that believe in the beauty of Ramen and a shared Netflix account.
3. I took the [road] less traveled by, and that has cost a lot in dorm damage fees.
4. The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is best if you let it ferment.
5. Hitch your wagon to anything but the Greek economy.
6. Wherever you go, go under your parent’s health insurance.
7. What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies you tell your relatives about your first job
8. You have brains in your head/you have feet on your shoes/with clear eyes and full hearts you simply can’t lose!/Don’t trust Craiglist/Don’t sleep with your boss/And when you order in, don’t forget the plum sauce!
9. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did, so pay off your loans within the first nineteen.
10. To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means a lot of Adele and hiding chocolate wrappers.
11. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, it is that we forgot to TiVo New Girl.
12. If opportunity doesn’t knock, it certainly won’t knock if you get knocked up.
13. Go confidently in the direction of Boston, DC, or New York.
14. If you can dream it, you can wake up covered in it.
15. Education is the most valuable weapon which you can use to shut down a cocktail party.
16. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while your Microsoft Office could be outdated.
17. This above all: they might not notice if you nap under the desk.
18. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it’s the preview to a more successful career as a single artist.
19. Graduation is only a concept. In real life you took too many philosophy, physics, and modernism classes to take the passage of time seriously.
20. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it whining about Diet Coke.